


Two Can Keep a Secret

by suchasasshole



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-01-17 03:33:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1372363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suchasasshole/pseuds/suchasasshole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night when Adam stops by Monmouth, Ronan decides to tell Adam his second secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

            All of Ronan’s secrets were becoming harder and harder to keep. His second one in particular. It was difficult to hide the way Ronan’s heart pounded when he had to sit in the back of the Pig, his leg pressed against Adam’s. It was all Gansey’s fault. He made Ronan sit in the back now because Gansey wanted Blue next to him. But it wasn’t Gansey’s fault that Ronan wanted to slip his hand underneath Adam’s faded Coca-Cola T-shirt. It was Blue’s fault Adam wouldn’t let him. Ronan didn’t hate Blue; he hated how much Adam hurt over Blue. It wasn’t that he was jealous—or at least that wasn’t all of it. He wanted Adam to stop hurting and be happy, but most of all he wanted Adam to be happy with _him_. But he knows that the likelihood of that is less than slim. And he knows better than to try to pull an Adam who loves him from his dreams. Instead, he’ll just hope this is what the real Adam turns into.

            Ronan realizes that the entire time he’s been thinking about Adam he’s also been watching Adam. He quickly looks to his lap and focuses instead on his leather bracelets. To calm himself, he begins chewing on them. When he looks back up, he thinks he sees Adam watching him, but he convinces himself that this is just wishful thinking. Ronan puts his head down, hoping to hide the flushing of his cheeks. For once, he is grateful to the Henrietta heat for giving him a ready-made excuse for the heat that will not stop rising to his face.

            Ronan knows that if he doesn’t tell Adam soon it will be too much. It might be too much just to be around him because Ronan can never seem to stop himself from staring at Adam’s lips and he can’t stop himself from wanting to know what they would feel like. He knows that he should not want this at all.

 

~*~

            One night, Adam comes by Monmouth while Gansey is out with Blue. Adam follows the rules and knocks on Ronan’s door, not knowing that he is the only person who would ever be allowed to break the rule.

            As soon as Adam walks through the door, Ronan’s stomach clenches and his nerves tighten. He wishes it weren’t like this, but he doesn’t know how to make it stop. It doesn’t get any better when Adam sits beside Ronan on the bed.

            “You don’t seem very happy to see me. Should I go?”

            Ronan doesn’t even consider saying yes. Instead, he says, “There’s something I should tell you. I like you.” Now that he’s said it the words slide out of his mouth, almost in a rush. “I guess you’d call it a crush, even though I’d always thought of myself as above that.” Ronan tries to smirk, but he can’t hold it.

            Adam’s eyes are wide, but he inches closer until their noses nearly touch. He tilts his head just slightly, and then their lips meet. Ronan can’t slow his heart and he can’t help from wanting to grab Adam by the hips and pull Adam on top of him and fall back onto the pillows. But he keeps himself still except for kissing Adam back and when Adam pulls away, Ronan wonders if Adam can tell how undone this has left him.

            “Damn, Parrish. I was not expecting that.”

            Adam blushes. “What _were_ you expecting?”

            “I was expecting you to be, I don’t know, disgusted or something. That’s a little extreme, but I didn’t expect you to like me, and I still don’t really know if you do. I just had to tell you. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

            “I’m wanting to get over Blue, but that’s not what this is. I kept finding myself watching you, wanting to kiss you. I couldn’t understand it, and I was kind of afraid of it, but I want this.”

            Ronan nods. “Did you need something when you came? I know this can’t be why you’re here. Or is this just a booty call?” Ronan smiles now that his nerves have somewhat relaxed.

            “My room at St. Agnes’s feels like hell tonight, so I was wondering if I could crash here.” Adam pauses. “And I just wanted to see you.”

            “Hmm, we should probably go to sleep. You can stay in here if you want. Noah’s room is freezing even though he’s not here, I wouldn’t want to sleep in there.”

            Adam nods and climbs out of the bed to cut off the light and then returns himself to Ronan’s arms. “You know, I never expected this. When I started thinking about kissing you, I hoped, but then I convinced myself I was crazy.”

            Ronan doesn’t say anything. Instead, he presses a soft kiss to Adam’s forehead and they fall asleep in each other’s arms.  


	2. Things Always Look Better in the Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A morning after of sorts.

            Ronan wakes first, Adam’s head still resting against his chest. Ronan wonders if when Adam wakes he will remember what they said and did and if he will tell Ronan to never mention it again. Ronan doesn’t move because he thinks that if Adam doesn’t wake, he can keep this from happening. He can pretend that everything will be okay.

            Adam stirs and Ronan braces himself for what seems to be inevitable. It doesn’t come. Instead of being filled with regret or anything of the kind, Adam’s voice is soft with sleep. “Hi. You’re still here.”

            “Well, I do live here.” Ronan is careful to keep any malice from his voice.

            Adam shakes his head. “You know that’s not what I meant. I was just surprised you were still in bed. But I’m glad.” Adam closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Ronan’s shoulder. “Mm, I’d kiss you, but I know I have morning breath.” He sighs. “And my toothbrush is at my place.”

            Ronan, with his cheek pressed against the top of Adam’s head, says, “I think we have an extra one here.” Ronan hopes he is right because he does not want Adam to have to go. When Ronan walks to the bathroom, Adam follows behind him. Adam reaches for Ronan’s hand, surprising Ronan and he nearly jerks his hand away, but then he relaxes and they fit their hands together. Ronan throws open drawers, rummaging through them. “Got it!” he says as he pulls an unopened toothbrush from the depths of the bottom drawer.

            They brush their teeth side by side and Ronan spends the entire time trying to keep himself from staring at Adam in the mirror. Adam’s presence makes Ronan feel like a stranger in his own home. He has forgotten how to walk in the bathroom without bumping into everything and it is Adam who finds the towel so they can both wipe the toothpaste from around their mouths.

            Adam sits on the counter while Ronan shaves. Ronan forces himself to look away from Adam so that he doesn’t get distracted and cut his cheek. He quickly dries his face and then stands in front of Adam. The other boy’s knees press into Ronan’s hips.

            “Come here.” Adam moves until Ronan’s hips are between his legs. Ronan reaches up and places his hands on either side of Adam’s face. He guides Adam’s face to his and pauses just a breath away from kissing. His stomach knots because he knows that now is when Adam is most likely to push him away and never come back to Monmouth. But then Adam’s hand is on Ronan’s neck and Ronan closes the last bit of space between them. Ronan is glad that both their hands are calloused so neither of them has to be embarrassed. Adam tastes like Ronan’s toothpaste, but there’s something under it that Ronan can’t name and he decides it’s just something unique to Adam. Ronan has kissed both boys and girls on dares before, but one of them were anything like this. None of them had made him gasp as fingers found their way to his belt loops, pulling him closer. He hadn’t wanted any of those, not like he had wanted this one. None of those were Adam.

            Adam pulls away, but doesn’t move any more than he has to to speak. “We should go on a date.”

            Ronan doesn’t know what to say, but he nods just to let Adam know he agrees. He can tell Adam is waiting, and he manages to find something to say. “We, um, we could go to Nino’s. Or we could go somewhere in the city. I’ve never dated before, so I don’t really know. What do you think?”

            Adam bites his lip. “Nino’s is always a good option.” He looks at his watch. “I’ve got to get to work, but you can come by tonight. If you want. We’ll pick something later.” Adam kisses Ronan quickly before leaving and Ronan wonders how he’s gotten Adam to go from tolerating him to wanting to date him.


	3. Take Me to Church

After Adam leaves Monmouth, Ronan can feel Chainsaw watching him. He is grateful she can’t speak because he doesn’t want to know what she thinks of what happened last night. He doesn’t even know what _he_ thinks. But he does want to know what Parrish thinks. He hadn’t seemed repulsed, and he had even seemed happy, but Ronan still feels as if something is going to go wrong and he will lose Adam forever.

            As Ronan dresses, he considers going down to St. Agnes’s and confessing, but any way he can think of framing it seems ridiculous. What would he say? “Forgive me, Father, for I have kissed my best friend?” The idea itself is laughable, and laugh Ronan does. Chainsaw tilts her head and gives Ronan an odd look as if she has never heard him laugh before. But then maybe she hasn’t.

            Gansey walks in while Ronan strokes Chainsaw’s feathers. Ronan doesn’t turn because he is afraid Gansey will somehow be able to see the press of Adam’s lips on Ronan’s face. It’s not time for Gansey to know. Not yet. It still hasn’t been very long since Ronan admitted to himself how much he cared for Adam. And telling Adam hadn’t been any easier. But it’s out now and he is glad for it. He has a real kiss to remember now, not just one stolen from his dreams. Ronan finds himself touching his lips and pulls his fingers away. He runs a hand over his shaved head. His hair is getting to long. Then, he realizes Gansey has been speaking this entire time.

            “Man, I haven’t heard a word you’ve said.”

            Gansey sighs, obviously unsurprised. “I was saying that we should take today to do some research. I don’t want to go to Cabeswater without Adam and Jane. I’ve got a list of books to find and it’ll be easier if you help me.”

            Ronan nods. “Fine.” Anything to keep him from watching the clock until Adam gets off work and Ronan can see him again. As they walk out of Monmouth, Ronan reaches for Gansey’s keys, and like always, Gansey snatches them away.

            “Absolutely not,” Gansey says as he moves the keys to his left hand, farther from Ronan’s enthusiastic reach.

            The Pig’s engine turns over, but barely and Ronan immediately starts chewing on the leather bands around his wrist. He wonders what they would taste like if he let Adam wear them. But that would be too obvious and Adam would never do it. Noah already knew how Ronan felt and he was sure to know about the kiss soon, too. Blue probably knew, in some amount, but Ronan could at least be sure that Gansey had no idea. Ronan wishes he weren’t so unprepared to deal with it, because the longer it takes him to tell Gansey, the worse it will be when he finds out. Ronan can’t afford anything else driving a wedge between them, but he knows that eventually this will.

            Ronan could tell him now, and it would be okay, but he doubts Adam is ready. He can’t tell Gansey any of it without telling him all of it, and so Ronan keeps quiet, putting his headphones on when Gansey hands him the list of books, ensuring his second secret won’t slip out for the second time in the past 24 hours.

~*~

            Later, when they all go to Nino’s, Ronan can’t seem to keep his eyes off of Adam. He makes his face blank to limit the amount he gives away, but he still has to clutch his glass of tea to keep his hand from moving to cover Adam’s.

            When he leaves Monmouth to go to Adam’s that night, he doesn’t offer a fake excuse, he just says, “Don’t wait up,” and walks out to his car.

            Ronan is full of nervous energy, and thinks about drinking to calm himself, but he wants to be sober for this. He wants to remember everything in clear detail. It has been a long time since he was wanted so badly to remember. It has been a long time since he has wanted so badly.

            It doesn’t take him long to get to St. Agnes and as he knocks he wonders if Adam has changed his mind about having him over. When Adam opens the door he smiles and pulls Ronan inside.

            “You came.” Adam’s bed is made, which is unusual because he’s always half-asleep when Ronan comes to the door at night. He’s never waited for Ronan before, even though it’s not uncommon for Ronan to spend the night in Adam’s floor.

            “Of course I did. I’m here even when you don’t want me to be.” Ronan sits on the floor because to even approach the bed would be too much. Adam sits in front of him, his legs folded, his knees touching Ronan’s. He leans toward him and places a hand on Ronan’s cheek, pausing before pressing their lips together. Adam sighs against Ronan’s mouth, and then Ronan is clutching Adam’s waist and Adam is in Ronan’s lap. And how did this happen so soon and why didn’t it happen sooner?

            Ronan parts Adam’s lips with his tongue before once again giving in to Adam. They slip themselves or each other out of their shirts, neither knows or cares, and they slide to the floor. But Adam pulls away still on top of Ronan, their chests pressed together. “We should probably slow down.”

            Ronan nods even though he doesn’t want to slow down. But he’ll do whatever Adam asks him to. “Then you’re going to have to get off of me.”

            Adam blushes. “Right.” He moves to sit next to Ronan, not looking at him. “Sorry.”

            “What are you apologizing for?”

            “I, uh, I got kind of carried away.” Adam looks down at the floor, obviously trying to move his gaze as far from Ronan as possible.

            “You think I wanted you to stop?” Ronan shakes his head. “I really, really didn’t.” He takes Adam’s hand in his. “I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

            “Since when are you this nice?”

            “Since when are you that aggressive?” They both laugh a little. “But don’t worry. I like it.” Ronan smirks as he leans toward Adam, kissing him on the cheek.

            “Do you want to go sit on the bed? I don’t know about you, but my ass kind of hurts. I don’t see how you sleep down here.” Adam shakes his head, and stands, pulling Ronan with him. “You don’t have to sleep on the floor if you don’t want to. I promise I won’t bite.”

            “It’s not you biting we have to worry about.” Ronan nips at Adam’s shoulder and tugs at his hair. “Are you sure you want me sleeping next to you?”

            “I’m very sure.” Adam pulls Ronan onto the bed. They look at each other for a moment, and then they are kissing again. Ronan puts his hand on Adam’s neck, but he can’t help it moving down, down, to Adam’s hip and he doesn’t stop himself from hooking a finger in one of Adam’s belt loops and Adam doesn’t stop himself from hooking his thumbs in the top of Ronan’s boxers. They manage to unzip each other’s jeans before stopping and staring at each other. “We really have got to stop,” Adam says.

            “You’re right. This isn’t very holy, is it,” Ronan whispers as if that will make up for the fact that just seconds before, he was moaning as Adam kissed his neck and pressed their hips together. Ronan wills his heart to slow as he holds Adam against his chest. “Just don’t kiss me again, and we should be fine.” Together, their breath slows and they fall asleep.


	4. The Truth Was a Cave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a horrible title, I know. I was listening to The Truth Is a Cave by The Oh Hello's when I titled it and couldn't think of anything else. Feel free to leave a comment about the varying lengths of chapters and if you like them longer or shorter.

            The next morning, the boys are woken by a knock on Adam’s door. In sleep, they had stayed tangled together, but now they spring apart, scrambling to find their shirts. “Just a second,” Adam calls out, his accent clear in his panic. “Where’s my shirt? Damn it, what’d you do with my shirt, Lynch?” he whispers.

            Ronan finds it sticking out just slightly from under the bed and tosses it to Adam. “Here, make sure you don’t put it on inside out.” Ronan pulls his own shirt over his head and lies on the floor, wrapping himself in a blanket from Adam’s bed and pretending to sleep.

            Adam opens the door to find Blue and Gansey on the other side. “Good morning,” he says. This time, he has managed to clip his accent, shortening the Henrietta vowels. He steps back to let Gansey and Blue cross the threshold. “Ronan’s still asleep. He showed up at about three last night and crashed on the floor.” He’s worried the readiness of his excuse will show its transparency, but Gansey just shakes his head and nudges Ronan with his foot.

            “Come on, Ronan. You have to wake up sometime.” When Ronan groans at him, eyes still closed, Gansey says, “Well, this is what you get for being out all night. I hope you weren’t racing again. I don’t want to have to bail you out when you get arrested.”

            Ronan mutters, “I’m not gonna get arrested,” and slowly uncurls his body and rises from the floor. “Don’t get your granny panties in a twist.” He leans against the wall like there’s nothing unusual about this whole exchange and says, “So what’s the plan for today?” He glances at Adam, but forces himself to look away before heat can burn his cheeks.

            Surprisingly, it is Blue, not Gansey, who speaks. “We’re going cave-hunting. Some of the legends suggest that Glendower is hidden in a cave and we know that wherever he is, is where my mother is. We’re not going in any caves today,” at this she looks at Ronan, “because we don’t have enough information yet. But we can at least find some likely candidates.” She stood with her hands on her hips, her chin held high. As the seconds passed, it started to fall.

            Ronan took a step away from the wall, and as he did, he nodded. “Sounds good. We’ll be down in a second.” Blue and Gansey both nodded slowly before shutting the door behind them. After a moment, Ronan sighed. “Sorry about the shirt. I know you must not want them to see us together. We shouldn’t take too long. Shit, now I’m the one without the toothbrush.”

            “It’s okay, I buy them in packs.” When Ronan raises an eyebrow, Adam says, “It’s cheaper that way.” Adam takes Ronan’s hand and leads him into the tiny bathroom. He has a much easier time finding an extra toothbrush than Ronan did the morning before. There’s much less space here for things to get lost in.

            They brush their teeth side by side, and when Adam starts to let go of Ronan’s hand, Ronan grips him tighter. “Don’t you need that hand?” Adam asks.

            Ronan shakes his head. “Left-handed.” He raises their linked hands and inclines his head toward them. “That’s why I wear my bracelets on my right wrist.” He spits and wipes his mouth with the back of his left hand. Once Adam does the same, Ronan pulls Adam to him. “Before we have to go down there,” he says, and leans in. Their noses brush each other before Ronan tilts his head just so, and presses his lips to Adam’s. Their clasped hands hang beside them, but Ronan moves his free hand to the back of Adam’s head, pulling at his hair with his fingers. Adam presses into Ronan and drops Ronan’s hand, bringing his own to Ronan’s neck, pulling closer, closer, until he can’t go further. Ronan breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against Adam’s. “We need to get down there. They’re probably wondering where we are.”

            Adam sighs. “You’re probably right. I wish we didn’t have to go, but if we stayed here all day, we’d probably get really bored. There’s nothing to do here, unlike Monmouth.”

            As they head toward the door, Ronan says, “It’s almost Gansey’s dad’s birthday. He’ll be going to D.C. then and you can stay in Monmouth while he’s gone. If you want to.”

            “Do you want me to?”

            Ronan looks at him, head tilted. “Of course I do. I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t actually want you to come over. And I wouldn’t spend so many nights in your damn floor if I didn’t want to be around you.” Ronan wraps his arm around Adam’s shoulder, keeping it there until they get to the door that leads outside. When they walk through, they put a very deliberate amount of space between their bodies, but Ronan is conscious of the way his gait leans toward Adam.

            When they climb into the Pig, Ronan’s leg presses against Adam’s and it makes his heart race just like it did before, but now he doesn’t have to worry that Adam doesn’t want to touch him. He looks at Adam out of the corner of his eye as they drive. Adam catches him looking and smiles without turning his head. Ronan looks out the window, away from him. It was too much to be around him when Adam didn’t know, but Adam knowing hasn’t made it any better. The only thing that will make it better will be Gansey knowing because then he will be free to behave the way he wants to, but he can’t tell Gansey. Not yet. Not yet. Adam’s not ready. Ronan’s not ready. Ronan may look made for war, but he’s tired of fighting.

            Ronan hears Gansey rambling to Blue in the front seat, but he blocks him out. He knows Gansey might not notice if he started spending every night at St. Agnes, he’s there often enough already, but he can’t leave Chainsaw at Monmouth every night. And taking her with him every time he went “out” would definitely attract Gansey’s suspicion. If only Gansey were as dependent on Blue as Ronan is on Adam and was spending every night at 300 Fox Way. But he wasn’t and Calla would never allow it if he tried. And there was no chance of sneaking into or out of a house full of psychics. Although it had to be worse to sneak out of a house with Robert Parrish in it. Ronan knows Adam only did it once and that was when they had thought he had attempted suicide. Ronan immediately feels sick with guilt. He remembers Adam’s bruises the next time they saw each other, and Adam tried to play it off, but even then, Ronan knew. They all knew and pretended they didn’t.

            Even now, they knew they were all different and pretended they weren’t.

            Gansey takes a curve too fast, and Ronan goes sliding into Adam. He mutters an apology, but takes just a moment too long to move back to his side of the car. The heat helps him resist the urge to remain pressed against Adam and instead, he leans his head against the cool glass of the window. As soon as the car stops and Blue pulls her seat forward, he is on his feet and out of the car, feeling like he held his breath the whole drive.

            Immediately, Gansey takes control and begins explaining what they’re all to do. “We need to search the area, see if there are any smaller caves nearby, or anything else useful. Look for anything strange. We’ll split up into pairs.” He pauses, waiting for them to claim each other as partners, as if it isn’t clear that Gansey doesn’t want anyone else to claim Blue.

            Despite this, Adam speaks up. “I’ll go with Ronan.”

            “Hey, don’t I get a say in this?” Ronan smirks.

            Adam shakes his head, but one corner of his mouth tugs slightly up. “Oh, shut up.”

            Gansey rubs his hands together, as if ridding himself of some dirt that clings to his skin. “Well, that’s settled. Jane and I will go this way.” He inclines his head behind him. “And you and Ronan will go the other. Don’t let him wander off, Adam. We’ll meet back here in, say, about an hour?” He nods to himself, as if there is no one else to consult, as if these are his plans and his alone.

            The group splits in two, and Ronan and Adam begin searching for anything interesting. As they crouch low, Ronan reaches for Adam’s hand, but Adam pulls it away. “Not out here. I don’t want them to see us. I just—I can’t. I’m sorry, I wish I could. I wish I were brave enough, I’m just not.”

            “Don’t be sorry. That’s not what I want. I shouldn’t have done anything, I knew you weren’t ready. I’m not even ready. I don’t know what I’m doing. Have you found anything?”

            “Absolutely nothing. I really don’t think this is the place. Usually, the places we go to feel important or different, but this just feels like an ordinary cave, and I know we haven’t even gone inside yet, but it might not be worth it.”

            Ronan nods while cursing himself for trying to hold Adam’s hand. They had agreed not to tell anyone, and here he was, trying to claim him, doing something that made it clear that _friends_ was no longer the right word, though what the right word is, he doesn’t know. “Should we go back to the Pig now or wait? We’ve got time to kill.”

            “Let’s stay here. I don’t feel like going back yet.” Adam lowers himself to the ground and leans against the wide trunk of a tree. “Sit with me, Ronan.” When Ronan sits down, they’re arm to arm and Adam relaxes against him. “I’m sorry I pulled my hand away. I won’t do it this time, promise.”

            “If you don’t want me to…”

            “But I do. Damn it, I want you to kiss me, but we can’t risk Gansey and Blue finding out that way.”

            “They won’t come over here.” And with that, Ronan takes Adam’s face in his hands and they crash into each other, and it is rough, and hard, but then something clicks and they are melting into each other. Ronan pulls Adam closer, less afraid than he’s ever been to show how much he wants this. Somehow, Adam is in his lap and he doesn’t care that a knot in the wood is pressing into his back and that this is wrong and that he shouldn’t be doing this. An animal stirs in the woods around them and they break apart, gasping for breath and hearts pounding. They both look around frantically, thinking that this is it, Gansey has found them, it’s all over. But then they see there’s no one there and they relax but they’re not as close together as they were before. “Maybe we should go to the car. I don’t know what time it is and it’s making me paranoid sitting out here.”

            “Uh, sure.” As they walk, Adam continues to speak. “We can tell them soon, just not now. Gansey’s just going to ask a lot of questions that I don’t have the answer to, questions I’m afraid to ask.”

            Ronan knows he shouldn’t ask, but he does anyway, his voice quiet. It would be gentle if it weren’t so rough. “Like what?”

            The tips of Adam’s ears turn pink and he looks to the ground, away from Ronan. “Like if this means I’m gay, or if I’m in love with you, or how serious is this.”

            Ronan reaches for Adam’s hand and this time, Adam lets him take it. “It’s okay if you don’t know. I know I’m gay, but I don’t know any of the rest of it. I know that I don’t understand casual relationships, but I don’t want to scare you off by saying that.”

            “I’m glad you said that. If we go back to Blue’s house, you know they’ll know which means that we should tell Gansey before then. They wouldn’t say it outright, but they’ll ask questions that even Gansey will be able to figure out the reason for.”

            “You’re right. Noah already knew how I feel, but he won’t say anything. Maybe if Gansey paid more attention he would already know and I wouldn’t have to tell him at all.” Ronan shook his head. He didn’t mean to sound bitter, but somehow he always did. It was just irritating that Blue was probably more aware of Ronan’s feelings than his best friend.

            When they reach the car, they slide into the back, side by side. “Has it been an hour yet?” Adam groans and rests his head back against the seat. “What if they got lost or just don’t feel like coming back?” He slumps against Ronan. “I’m just going to go to sleep. I’m usually only this tired during school.” To Ronan’s surprise, he does fall asleep and Ronan marvels at being trusted this way and at how young Adam looks when worry doesn’t wrinkle his brow. He can’t bear to wake him and so he doesn’t.

           


	5. For the First Time

            Ronan sits on the edge of the bed while Adam sleeps. Sometime after they got back to Monmouth, Blue left for work and Gansey went with her, but Ronan hadn’t wanted to wake Adam and so stayed behind. Now he sits in his room waiting for Adam to stir. Ronan holds Chainsaw and listens to Adam’s steady breathing. He stirred when Ronan carried him up to Monmouth but didn’t wake. After Ronan placed him on the bed, he immediately curled up, nuzzling his face into Ronan’s pillow.

            Now, Chainsaw turns to look at Adam and a moment later Ronan hears him stirring. “Huh? Ronan?” Ronan turns to see Adam rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands like a child. “I don’t remember leaving the cave.”

            “You fell asleep in the car so I brought you up here. You’ve been asleep for over an hour.”

            Adam runs a hand over his face, still trying to wake himself up. “Where’s everyone else? Are we alone?”

            “I have no idea where Noah is, but Gansey and Blue are at Nino’s. Do you want to go? We don’t have to.”

            “Uh, can we stay here? I don’t feel like watching Gansey stare at Blue while she works.”

Adam moves from his place in the middle of the bed to one side of the mattress. “Come over here.”

            Ronan slides over to Adam, but doesn’t know how close Adam wants him. Adam answers his unasked question by leaning against him. Ronan says, “You can go back to sleep if you want. I don’t mind.”

            Adam shakes his head. “I’m fine now.” He seems tense—not much more so than usual—but Ronan wonders if he is uncomfortable with Ronan being there even though he asked for this. He needs to know, so he can fix it. “You seem nervous. Is something wrong?”

            “Ever since they almost found out about us this morning, I’m afraid they’re going to walk in on us.”

            Ronan nods and gets up. “I’ll lock the door. Then we won’t have to worry about it.” After he locks the door, he returns to his place next to Adam. Then, Adam kisses Ronan’s cheek. “This should feel weird. It doesn’t.” He kisses his neck, eliciting a small gasp from Ronan. Adam smiles a little against his skin. He kisses his way down Ronan’s neck and then Adam’s lips find his collarbone. With a groan, Ronan takes Adam’s face into his hands, bringing it up to his and kissing him full on the lips. Adam shocks Ronan by biting gently on his lower lip and Ronan presses his tongue against Adam’s mouth which opens under his. And then Ronan’s hands are under Adam’s shirt, and then Adam is straddling him and all they want is to be closer together but there is no more space left between them and so they rid each other of their shirts and they are skin to skin, and it is far too hot for this, but how can that matter when it feels this good?

            Ronan hooks his fingers in Adam’s belt loops and pulls him down from where he was hovering above Ronan’s hips. Adam follows his lead and moves to press his hips into Ronan’s. They both moan and Ronan arches up into Adam. Adam jerks away with his mouth open in shock. He sits up and reaches for Adam but doesn’t touch him. “What’s wrong? Did I- did I push too far? We can stop. It’s okay.”

            Adam blushes. “I’m sorry. I freaked myself out. I didn’t expect—I’m sorry.” He looks down at his lap in shame.

            “What did you not expect?” Ronan’s body leans toward Adam, but he’s afraid of moving closer. Any move he makes could send Adam away.

            Adam shakes his head, but still answers. “I didn’t expect to want it so much, to want you so much. I don’t know what to do with it.”

            “It scares me too, Adam. I was never supposed to want this. Not falling for straight guys is like the cardinal rule of being gay.”

            Adam bites his lip and furrows his brow. Ronan loves it when he does that. “Do you dream about me? And I mean, like this, not how you dream about Gansey.”

            “I do. But don’t worry, my dreams with Gansey are nothing like my dreams about you.” Ronan smirks and Adam laughs despite himself.

            “I think Gansey would be even more relieved to hear that.”

            “Have you ever dreamed about me? Be honest.” Ronan’s heart thuds as he waits for Adam’s answer.

            “Like a sex dream?” Ronan nods. “Um, sort of? We made out. It was weird, but I woke up before anything else happened.” Adam runs a nervous hand through his hair. “So, I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised earlier since it’s happened before.” Adam blushes bright red.

            Ronan shrugs. “There’s a big difference between a weird dream and the real thing.” He reaches further and this time he does touch Adam but just lightly on the hand. “Are you okay now?”

            Adam nods and turns his hand over so he and Ronan are palm to palm. “Hopefully I won’t freak out next time we’re together.”

            Ronan runs his thumb over the back of Adam’s hand. “It’s okay if you do. Are you hungry? If there were food here, I’d cook for you. We could order something instead.”

            Adam cocks his head to the right. “You can cook? I don’t think I believe it. When have you ever had to cook your own food?”

            “You’re right; I haven’t had to. But my mom thought we should know how to cook anyway.”

            “It really is a shame there’s no food here, then. Uh, where would we order from other than Nino’s?” Adam rubs a hand across the back of his neck. “I guess we could go somewhere. I don’t know.”

            Ronan can tell Adam is uncomfortable. “Who says we have to stay in Henrietta? There’s this place I used to like to go to. It’s closer to the Barns. We could go there.” Ronan shrugs to let Adam know it’s okay to say no.

            Luckily, he doesn’t. “That sounds great. Let’s go.” He stands up and surprises Ronan by reaching out a hand to pull him up. As Adam pulls Ronan through the door, he says, “Is this going to count as our first date?”

            Ronan smiles automatically. “If you want it to be. You’re the one who asked me out.”

            “Then it is. But if our date goes badly, don’t blame me.” They’ve reached the front door and Adam looks back at Ronan as he says this, smiling. Adam still holds Ronan’s hand and their arms stretch between them, their clasped hands in the center.

            It made Ronan’s heart pound in his chest to hear Adam say ”date.” He knew things between them had already started, but it had never felt like _the beginning_ until now. “Are you saying we should blame me, because I’m not sure I’m prepared to agree to that.”

            When they get into the BMW, Ronan hands Adam his MP3 player and says, “Play whatever you want.” Adam complains about Ronan’s music the least, but Ronan knows that that doesn’t mean Adam likes it.

            Adam selects a Celtic song—surprisingly, one of Ronan’s favorites. He sets the MP3 player down and doesn’t say anything. Instead, he looks out the window and picks at his fingers. Despite this nervous habit of Adam’s, the silence isn’t tense so Ronan lets it live.

            The route he’s taking from Monmouth is just as familiar as it was when he lived at the Barns. Ronan has never missed it more than in the past few months when the possibility of return has been looming over him. Ronan wonders if, even though he won’t move into Monmouth, Adam would move into the Barns. Ronan isn’t even sure if he wants to move into the Barns once he turns eighteen. He doesn’t want to leave Gansey behind but he wants to be home again. He wants his old life back. The only problem with his old life is that it doesn’t have Adam Parrish.

            After several more songs have played, all Celtic music—Adam must have found a playlist—they pull up in front of the diner. Ronan cuts the car off and lets himself look over at Adam who smiles at him. Ronan finds himself smiling back. “Let’s go in.”

            Adam gets to the door of the diner first and holds it open for Ronan who shakes his head a little at the gesture.

            When they sit down at the table, Adam drums his fingers nervously while Ronan picks at the leather bands around his wrists. A waitress in an apron brings them their menus. They both order sodas which come in retro glasses. It’s all very charming.

            Adam puts the laminated menu down on the table and says to Ronan, “Will you order for me? You must know what’s good if you have a history with this place.” His accent leaks into his syllables. He tries and fails to suppress it.

            The two boys order matching burgers. It’s the best Adam has ever had. When he’s finished his own French fries, Ronan offers his up for the taking. In return, he swipes a remaining bit of bacon from Adam’s plate.

            “I think if my voice were like yours, I’d scare people less. You, Parrish, have a voice for charming little old ladies.”

            “And you, Lynch, have a voice and a vocabulary for making them clutch their chests.” Adam laughs and Ronan laughs with him.

            The waitress brings the check and Ronan has it in his grasp before Adam has even noticed its presence. To avoid an argument, Ronan says, “You can get the tip.”

            Adam sighs and says, “Fine, but I get the check next time.” Ronan smiles at this. _Next time_.

            They get back into the BMW and before Ronan can start the car, Adam has a hand on him and is saying, “Come here.” And then Adam kisses him. Ronan moves his hand from his keys to Adam’s face. They pull at each other without getting any closer. Ronan opens his mouth under Adam’s. Then, Adam releases him. “We should get home.”

            Ronan nods and turns his key. He pulls out of the parking lot and back toward Monmouth Manufacturing.


End file.
